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Toby Banks

It is all a conspiracy

First the unmistakable smell: a wet greasy anorak entering a centrally heated building. Then the rustle of a plastic bag, the clearing of the throat....Yes, it's that man again. If you thought it was a conspiracy, you were right. When he's not at the next table in the pub or on the bus seat behind you sucking loudly on a Fisherman's Friend, he's here, queuing for a conspiracy convention. He sneers at the camera crews. 'This has been going on for years', he confides in a loud stage whisper. 'The press are only here because of the prestige of an international conference.'

Dream on. There had been some interest in 'The First International Conference that Exposes a Global Deception', but most reports overlooked the 'prestige' and concentrated on the rather disappointing ticket sales (100 sold for the 12 000-seat Wembley Arena). Let's be honest, the press are here to take the piss. But then they would, wouldn't they? After all, who controls them?....Exactly. They do. And who are they? Capitalists? Communists? Jews? An impressive array of international experts are here to set the record straight.

'Most children who disappear don't end up being sacrificed by Satanic cults', says Vladimir Terziski (BSc physics, MSc electronics), as though he resents having to waste valuable seconds dismissing such nonsense. No, they are taken to subterranean camps in the Brazilian jungle, where Dr Mengele experiments on them. 'Like the film The Boys from Brazil', he adds helpfully.

Vladimir believes that, for years, the brightest Earthlings have been abducted and taken to an underground colony on the moon, which is why top scientists keep disappearing (and presumably why Mr Terziski is still here). There are also Vatican-funded colonies in the Andes and elsewhere. He has plenty of pictures of garages and military installations, but none of the underground parks and waterfalls which he describes so dramatically.

Vladimir believes that all scientific developments are kept from the public for a century. He draws our attention to an alien from a recent American billboard advertisement, which he 'has a feeling' is real. He refers repeatedly to Star Trek, because this is the most accurate picture we have of what life is like on the moon colony. This is no coincidence - it is one of the millions of pieces of information that the Illuminati put among us, to communicate with their people on Earth, safe in the knowledge that the rest of us will believe it to be fiction.

Vladimir has only two hours to speak, so he rattles through his findings at great speed. The Nazis colonised the moon. The Rockefeller Institute funded space ships, hence the moonbase named 'Rockefeller'. In the fifties, men spent the night on the moon colony before travelling on to Mars the next day. He shows a diagram of the vehicle's journey. Its trajectory contradicts the laws of physics, which proves it is true (a hoaxer would have carefully stuck to backward theories of Earth science, you see). The leading government magician David Copperfield can make the Statue of Liberty invisible. Pardon? But we are already moving on, with a film clip of an 'anti-gravity device' which he 'has a feeling' would have worked (but was sabotaged), and a government-funded flying saucer which was designed to fail, so as to discredit the idea of anti-gravity machines.

It's all going well until, during a film showing creatures emerging from the green surface of the moon, somebody sniggers. Vladimir looks up darkly. The sniggering spreads. There are clearly Illuminati agents in the hall. Finally one breaks cover. 'Sir', he booms in perfect human tones, 'this is a joke documentary made by Anglia TV'. Vladimir slowly raises his head to confront the enemy in our midst. 'I could talk for two hours on this "fake documentary"', he says bitterly. 'There is no way a science fiction author could work this out. I have a feeling that what we are seeing is a representation of a project that took place 100 years ago.'

The film continues. 'This is 1952....' the narrator tells us. 'We believe it is nineteen sixty-two...', corrects Vladimir. The laughter grows. Vladimir is angry. 'This is a film, it is not the real thing!', he snaps. Then he breaks into chilling squeals of laughter. He is about to make a joke. 'You know, in this annus horribilis, the British need the PR boost of a moon landing, heh, heh...even if it is really the Illuminati!' The audience falls silent. There are no more jokes. Most of the agents leave.

A slightly paranoid atmosphere begins to sour the event. 'Members of the international elite here today', begins the next speaker, David Summers, letting the sniggerers know that he knows, 'realise that the best way to hide something is to bring it out in the open. Secret governments don't always operate from a secret bunker. They sit in parliament. George Bush is one of the biggest criminals to walk the Earth. 100 000 Iraqi troops were shot while retreating. We are told about Iraqi "nuclear sites" but we are never told where they are'. He goes on to explain how Saddam Hussein and Bush are former allies, how Bush organised CIA drug smuggling, then fronted the 'war on drugs' and double-crossed General Noriega.

So far, most of this is true, but people are beginning to fidget. He's about to lose them when, like an escapologist with five seconds left to break out of a chained sack, Summers produces Henry Kissinger and a Masonic conspiracy leading back to the elite which controls our minds through the 'New World Order'.

But who are they, these Illuminati, with their 'New World Order'? Eustice Mullins, a 'disciple' of Ezra Pound, finally explained. The US Federal Reserve financed the First World War and backed the Bolsheviks in order to bankrupt Russia. Stalinists took over the US Democratic Party and Trotskyists took over the Republicans (hence the Reaganites hated the Soviet 'evil empire' because 'Stalin had murdered their god'). So the communists are sabotaging the free market, using the Federal Reserve system.

There you have it. Communists backed by Nazis on the moon. The weird beards next to me had read about the conference in UFO News and wore open sandals with socks. They seemed well satisfied. One was telepathic, and I hoped he wasn't reading my mind. I escaped outside to talk to the Wembley staff. 'They're all mad in there', said one, 'they reckon Saddam Hussein and George Bush used to be on the same side'. Heads shook sorrowfully.

Now Dr Mengele camps, that's different. They've got them in Bosnia now - it's been in all the papers.
Reproduced from Living Marxism issue 53, March 1993

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