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Signs of the times

Eight-year old snooker prodigy Stephen Craigie's opportunity to appear on America's Tonight show with Jay Leno was scuppered when they decided his Geordie accent would be incomprehensible to US audiences, who recognise just three English regional accents: John Lennon, the Dick van Dyke 'Cockney' and the Daphne from Frasier 'Manc'

'I will not write a poem for Edward and Sophie. No self-respecting poet should have to'
(Unsuccessful) poet laureate candidate Carol Ann Duffy

'Anal sex is not to my taste, and goodness knows if it is informative'
Lady Howe, chair of the Broadcasting Standards Commission, tackles the big one

The failure to apprehend Jack the Ripper may have been the result of a massive conspiracy. Then again, it might have been because plain-clothes police officers with huge moustaches and sideburns tried to pass themselves off as prostitutes. Today things are more sophisticated. Metropolitan Police on undercover work are to be given special yellow baseball caps - which must be worn in proper William Hague fashion, not back to front - so that other officers will recognise them and not arrest or shoot them by mistake. There is no mention of how these caps will assist them to remain incognito, but there is a memo warning that officers will face serious disciplinary action if their caps fall into the hands of criminals.

'You cannot believe how strong the homosexuals are. Scotland could go back to the darkness very easily'
US evangelist Pat Robertson, who was to work with the Bank of Scotland

'It was the right address applied to the wrong building'
US intelligence spokesman explains a misdirected NATO bomb

Former prison officer Lynn Armstrong is suing the Home Office for £50 000, for the strain caused by guarding Rose West

'Although he may have been provoked, his behaviour does not reflect the traditions of courtesy and care the AA expects'
AA statement after its salesman David Barnes attacked his RAC rival Frank Pickering

Reproduced from LM issue 122, July/August 1999



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